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THAI Dating Code:The Guidebook for Getting to Know DECENT Thai Girls
All you need to know to find yourself a decent Thai girl
Bee – Kulchulee Subsinudom
The Well Known Matchmaker/Dating Coach in Thailand
Thailand is paradise for Westerners who want to date pretty young ladies. Finding a date with a comely Thai woman is easy, but finding the right girl with more to offer than a pretty face and an attractive figure – like education, fluent English and a cosmopolitan background – is much more difficult. And once you find her, getting a date, establishing a relationship and dealing with the inevitable problems of a cross-cultural relationship, including marriage and raising a family, can turn out to be a big headache.
• Categories of Thai girls
• Where to Meet
• What Thai Girls Want
• Approaching Thai Girls
• Good Places for a First Date
• How to Act on a First Date and Subsequent Dates
• How to Tell If She Likes You
• Dealing with Thai Personalities
• Money Issues
• Making Her Happy
• Expressing Feelings of Affection
• Meeting Her Family
• Public Displays of Affection
• Beyond the First Kiss
• Ending a Relationship
• Living Together
• When to Marry
• Wedding Ceremony
• The Wife’s and Husband's Role
• Raising Children
• And etc.
Who said you can’t have it all?
You can, but you have to know what you are doing. This book provides the answers and a roadmap for dealing with dating, love and marriage in the Land of Smiles.
For over six years now, I have been running my own upscale matchmaking service company in Bangkok for professionals who are well-educated, well-groomed, attractive and successful. My work involves dealing with a wide range of clients, including Thais, Asians and foreigners. I provide tips on dating, all the way from planning the first date to post-date advice and follow up.
Trust me when I say that it matters not a jot how professional you may be. When it comes to dating, we are all pretty much after the same thing, but there are significant differences in the way we go about it. These variations include the way we wish to be approached, the way we want to be courted and the way we expect to be treated.
Despite everyone aspiring to the same thing, most of us have few clues about how to go about the courtship process. It used to come as a bit of a surprise to me that a Western executive from a multinational company, who has to confront competitors on a daily basis and participate in heated boardroom discussions, hasn't a clue about how to deal with a lovely, petite Thai woman. But more often than not, this is the case.
Perhaps this is to be expected. After all, it’s widely joked that men and women come from two different planets, the lady from Venus and the man from Mars. And believe me, these planetary differences are greatly amplified when it comes to mixed race and multi-cultural relationships, like the ones I deal with on a daily basis.
The mistakes made by foreigners bent upon courting Thai women are numerous and relatively easy to categorise. One of the most common errors is to assume that all Thai ladies are alike. They aren't!
I often have a difficult time explaining to well intentioned executives that the rules for dating a poorly educated Thai lady who works in a bar are completely different from those applying to a successful, well-educated lady who works for a large company. The latter are far more shy and sensitive than a bar girl and courting her is an involved process with a lot of rules about how it should be conducted.
Many of my new male clients, for example, get turned down long before they even reach the starting point. They are unable to get a date, failing miserably from being overly aggressive or showing too much interest. Thai ladies often consider such behaviour to be annoying or, in extreme cases, even psycho.
Then there are the foreign men who give the young ladies a business card on the first date. After returning with positive reviews, I advise them to follow up with a second date soon. Guess what they say? “I gave her my business card; if she’s interested, she knows how to get in touch!” Hardly the right approach for decent Thai girls!
We would never do the calling; it’s just not how we’re brought up. This approach has failure written all over it, especially when you meet through a matchmaking service, which makes it crystal clear that clients are interested in looking for a long-term relationship, and not a one-night stand.
In short, if you like a Thai girl, you’re going to have to get that smart phone out of your pocket and press the redial button –Nokia and iPhone have made it easy for you!
Here is an interesting story that provides insight into how Thais and foreigners often view a first date. I fixed up a dinner date for a foreign man and Thai overseas graduate. The next day, I asked the man how the date had gone. He told me that the date had gone okay, that he liked the girl, but felt she wasn’t really interested. She hadn’t paid much attention to what he had to say, and when he asked questions, she had responded only very briefly. After hearing his feedback, I was pretty sure he’d read the situation correctly. The girl’s English was good, so communication clearly hadn’t been the problem. This didn’t sound too promising.
So I called the girl and asked her how it had gone. And I must say I was more than a little surprised to hear that she liked the guy and enjoyed meeting him a lot. She said he seemed nice, easy to be with and friendly.
Imagine my surprise when I heard her reasons for playing it cool: “I am Thai, and met him through a matchmaking service. I didn’t want to come across as desperate!” Luckily I had been involved, or else the man – confident that she had not been keen – would have called it a day, and in spite of being very interested in her, immediately ended all contact.
This is just one example of course. But it does clearly show that while both parties might be fluent in English, cultural differences and expectations can get in the way, big time.
I also have many well-educated Thai ladies dating Westerners as my clients, who also encounter some major cultural issues. Often, they misread the guys’ true intentions, leading – on occasion – to huge misunderstandings.
Because of these and other misunderstandings, I used to give free advice to both girls and guys asking for my help. Eventually, however, the demand grew so much that in 2008 I decided to start a coaching service for daters.
Nonetheless, misunderstandings, lack of experience and the large cultural divide continue to give couples and would-be couples countless problems on their way to acquiring a partner to love or marry. Clients are making the same mistakes again and again, and finally a book just seemed like the next logical step to provide guidance and help solve their problems.
I hope this book will be beneficial to both single foreigners who are new to Thailand, and those who have been here a while but have not really learned how to date decent, well-educated Thai women. Through the book, I also want to tell foreign men seeking a well-educated Thai lady as a partner that it isn't difficult and is well worth the effort.
I have been told by some foreign men that though they find dating Thais easy, they find it difficult to find a really good one to marry. But the truth is, they are often looking for true love in the wrong place. You wouldn’t believe me if I told you where they spend their time looking for women. It doesn’t surprise me at all that they are not successful!
If you have any suggestions about the book or any questions about dating in Thailand and/or with Thai girls, please feel free to write and share them with me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
So here we go, let’s get started.
Determining What's in the Package
Don’t expect to learn much about a Thai girl from the way she looks or dresses. Thais, these days, generally dress well, whatever their background, so trying to tell who is well-educated and who isn’t could prove difficult. The trick is to start up a conversation, and within minutes by watching her manners and behaviour carefully you will definitely know a lot more about her.
If you are new to Thailand you need to be aware that Bangkok is full of ‘lady boys’ (transvestites), who are sadly often more attractive and better turned out than the real thing. It isn't always easy to tell whether what you see is a boy or a girl. The best way is to either watch for the Adam’s apple or start up a conversation to listen for that tell-tale masculine voice.
To determine if a girl is well-educated and a desirable companion, here’s what to look for.
Other than being able to speak English adequately, good Thai girls do not wear clothes that are overly revealing, nor do they drink heavily – downing one glass after another as if it were drinking water.
We do not use our bodies as wallpaper, cluttering them with tattoos of dubious patterns and origins. Nor do we speak or act aggressively. And most of all we do not dance on bar stools or poles, or ask you to help support our families through money donations.
As for shopping, take it from me, decent girls do not drag their men into the first shopping mall they see and ask you to buy her things. And when it comes to sex, we do not sleep around, or even enter into a physical relationship with anyone until we feel secure and loved.
If a girl you meet has displayed any of the above behaviour, you may wish to reconsider your choice in a partner. Is she, you might want to ask yourself, somebody you really wish to spend the rest of your life with?
Categories of Thai girls
Just so you get the picture a little easier, I have categorised Thai girls into four different groups:
1. Bar girls. We won’t delve into this group too deeply as this book is aimed at professionals, who are interested in dating a well-educated Thai girl from a good family and with a good job, with the long-term goal of dating or even marriage. It should be said of course that a bar girl can love her family, her boyfriend or her husband with as much passion and dedication as any other girl, but the trade she practices may not, however, suit most Western men.
2. Country Girls. This is another category that is not really within our target group. Country girls, while often educated to a certain extent, are far more traditional than many western men are likely to want to deal with. Moreover, the chances of meeting a Thai country girl in Bangkok and striking up a long-lasting relationship are not high, despite the fact it seems to rank high on the fantasy list of some Western men. However, many of the characteristics you will find in Thai country girls are also shared by our next group.
3. Educated girls with little or no exposure to Western culture. This group of girls may or may not speak good English, but they tend to be professionals, often working in offices. They generally go into the office each day and return home to their family (mum, dad, siblings, etc.) each evening. If their parents or family do not live in Bangkok, they frequently live with a cousin or another girl. On weekends, they often watch TV at home or hang out with friends and family. They also like to go out with girl friends or university friends to trendy coffee shops, prominent temples or on shopping expeditions to places like Chatuchak Market.
4. Educated girls familiar with Western culture and/or Western men. This group is likely to be fluent in English and work in an international company. They might have graduated from an overseas university and might even have a Master's Degree. They are often used to dealing with Western men on a daily basis at work. Some of these girls even work in family businesses, so they are not necessarily needing any financial support. Moreover, don’t make the mistake of underestimating their intelligence. This type of girl tends to have a more active lifestyle; they like to go out, party and meet people. They may have some Western friends. They like to travel overseas, like to eat out at good restaurants, and often appreciate fine wine and champagne.
In this guidebook, we will focus on girls in categories 3 and 4 only.
Don’t get me wrong, this categorisation is by no means a hard and fast rule, and I am pretty sure you will meet girls who do not fall neatly into any of these categories. For example, there are plenty of girls who haven’t studied abroad, but are nevertheless familiar with Westerners; other girls have already been married to Thais and are now divorced; still others have significant exposure outside of Thailand, but are still so deeply insulated in their family that they do not seem as cosmopolitan as you’d expect. As with any relationship, you will have to figure these things out for yourself – which is, after all, part of the fun and adventure that is life!